with Carolyn Stern
President and CEO of EI Experience / Professional Speaker / Author / University Professor
Episode 72 | The Emotionally Strong Leader: Transforming from the Inside Out
What led you to focus on emotional intelligence in leaders?
Carolyn Stern says she came at this honestly, as she was a highly emotional child and for many years her emotions wreaked havoc in her life. She realized that just because she’s a sensitive person doesn’t mean she’s weak. Carolyn feels things deeply, but she was letting her emotions run amok and was not in the driver’s seat of her emotions. “I came to learn that emotions aren’t the enemy and you can make friends with your emotions,” she explains.
Carolyn goes on to describe how we all have emotional intelligence muscles inside of us. It’s about doing the work to build these muscles. She recommends determining your Achilles heel, how this is keeping you stuck, and what can you do about it.
Tell us about your book “The Emotionally Strong Leader: An Inside-Out Journey to Transformational Leadership”. What inspired you to write it?
“I wanted to write the book to teach others how to manage their emotions, much like I had to learn,” Carolyn explains.
She reminds us that we don’t get an education on emotions in school. For example, you get put in student teams, but you never get taught how to deal with conflict in those teams. “We focus so much on IQ and not on EQ. I could see this gap and sought to educate and make behaviours stick.”
Our emotions are super powerful. We overvalue positive emotions and undervalue negative ones, according to Carolyn. However, all emotions are important and tell us something.
Who is the book written for?
To be honest, the book is written for everyone, Carolyn explains. “So really, if you’ve got a problem, if you’re not happy with the results that you have in your life. Maybe it’s a relationship you want to improve. Maybe it’s because you want to set better boundaries. Maybe it’s because you want to increase your confidence. Maybe you want to stop making rash decisions. Maybe you want to handle stress better. Whatever your, you know, Achilles heel is.”
The book includes a series of worksheets and self-exploration exercises. Every year Carolyn takes herself through this series of exercises as she continues to build her own emotional intelligence muscles.
What transformations have you seen in leaders?
Carolyn describes how any leader can develop emotional intelligence. She gives the example of working with “Shawn”, a senior leader with an engineering and military background. She was brought in as he was described as a “handful,” with a temper, inferior social skills, and someone who didn’t play well with others in the sandbox. Shawn thought talking about feelings was a complete waste of time. “Having emotions in the workplace is unprofessional,” he asserted.
Carolyn helped Shawn learn that there’s a difference between having emotions and being emotional. We all have emotions and that makes us human. Shawn was reluctant to explore his emotions and was oblivious to how he was feeling throughout the day. When he was triggered, he would be reactive and damage relationships with his team.
Shawn’s homework was to spend 15 minutes a day socializing and not talking about work. He was able to develop his emotional intelligence muscle. Six months later he got promoted! Carolyn explains how much he had grown his emotional intelligence.
How can EI become a superpower for leaders?
Our emotions are super powerful. We overvalue positive emotions and undervalue negative ones, according to Carolyn. However, all emotions are important and tell us something. We need to no longer fear our emotions but celebrate them.
Carolyn Stern explains that If we can pause and reflect, rather than immediately react, we can more intentionally respond. If we can learn to be more intelligent than our emotions, they provide us with so many gifts and information.
One way of becoming more emotionally intelligent is learning what our triggers are. For example, are you triggered when other people run late? Talk about triggers (yours and others) with colleagues and in your personal relationships.
“Feelings are not facts, good or bad, right or wrong, they are simply an emotional reaction to a person, place or situation. Make friends with your feelings.” – Carolyn Stern
What are the key steps in the Emotional Intelligence Experience self-coaching model in your book?
Step 1: Connect with yourself; what your strong points are and where you may be struggling.
Step 2: Consult with others. Our self-perception is inevitably flawed. Ask five people you trust about how you’re perceived. It’s a really hard step that people want to skip, Carolyn explains.
Step 3: Based on your own and others’ perceptions, what do you want to focus on? Set an Emotional Intelligence goal to work on.
Step 4: Consider all the things that can help you get closer to your goal. There are 60 strategies in the book. Also, what are your roadblocks?
Step 5: Your action plan. People need a “relapse prevention plan” (e.g. when they don’t have a good day or make impulsive decisions that they regret).
Step 6: Confirm your commitment and close the conversation with yourself. Find an accountability partner, someone who will keep you honest.
What do you read and or listen to for your own growth and development?
“Dare to Lead” by Brené Brown
Dare to Lead with Brené Brown podcast
If you could have one wish for a better world when it comes to emotional intelligence, what would it be?
Don’t be afraid of your emotions and those of others. Feelings are not facts, good or bad, right or wrong, they are simply an emotional reaction to a person, place or situation. Make friends with your feelings.
About Carolyn Stern:
Carolyn Stern is the President and CEO of EI Experience—an executive leadership development and emotional intelligence training firm. She is a certified Emotional Intelligence and Leadership Development Expert, professional speaker, award-winning author, and university professor.
Since launching her book, The Emotionally Strong Leader: An Inside-Out Journey to Transformational Leadership, Carolyn has quickly gained acclaim following her appearances on The Social, CTV Your Morning, Daytime Chicago, and Global TV. Her book was awarded the Axiom Book Award for Best Business Book in 2023 in the leadership category and the 2022 Foreword INDIES Book of the Year Award in the career category.
She has also been featured in various media outlets across the globe, including Forbes, Fast Company, The European Business Review, The Globe and Mail, and Inc.com.
Carolyn’s emotional intelligence courses and modules have been adopted by top universities, and she has trained over 35,000 business leaders across the continent in highly regarded corporations.
Buy Carolyn Stern’s book The Emotionally Strong Leader
Learn more at CarolynStern.com